Guide to Pirate Parenting

The MacDougall Family Disney Vacation 2009

2009-02-09T20:43:00.004-04:00

Just got this e-mail from Disney.com...

SUBJECT: The MacDougall Family Disney Vacation 2009

I'm only going to Disney World if they create a ride based on me life. It would be called "The Plunderer!" The cost would be $10 per person -- cash only. After waiting for an hour in line, you'd walk through a door that locks behind you. Then you realize you're back in the park and your wallet is $10 lighter. You've been plundered! I'm just not sure how to get repeat business.

Happy sailing,

Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall

Cap'n Billy's Magic Pieces-of-Eight Ball

2009-02-05T12:07:00.002-04:00

Do you remember the toy called the Magic 8-Ball? You'd ask a question, shake the ball and an answer would appear.

Now there's Cap'n Billy's Magic Pieces-of-Eight Ball, the perfect oracle for all your pirate questions. Whether you need to know, "Should I plunder that merchant vessel?" "Should I drink more rum?" or "Should I let my three-year-old play with gun powder?" all your answers are just a click away!

Try it now: http://www.pirateparenting.com/Magic8Ball.html

Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall
www.PirateParenting.com

Cap'n Billy stars in High School Musical 3

2008-09-17T21:50:00.001-04:00

In an effort to get more publicity for his book, GUIDE TO PIRATE PARENTING, Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall (that be me) has agreed to star in the upcoming High School Musical 3.

Try JibJab Sendables® eCards today!

Happy plundering and don't let the bilge rats bite,

Cap'n Billy
http://www.pirateparenting.com/

Pirate Parenting interview with pirate captain Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall

2008-07-09T20:50:00.001-04:00

In a rare interview with both Tim Bete and me, we share why we wrote GUIDE TO PIRATE PARENTING ("Cap’n Billy put his dagger next to my neck and told me I was going to write a book for him") as well as how we placate our muse when she refuses to inspire us ("We ply her with rum"). Read the interview.

Cap'n Billy
www.pirateparenting.com

How to feng shui your pirate ship

2008-07-09T07:52:00.001-04:00

Ahoy, feng-shui-loving land-lubbers! Cap’n Billy the Butcher here with some great feng-shui tips to help you achieve perfect harmony so you can reach your goal to be the world’s most perfect plunderer! Ye can read all about it here.

Happy sailing and don't let the bilge rats bite,

Cap'n Billy the Butcher

Pirate Parenting on Miss Cellania

2008-07-08T08:17:00.000-04:00

Ahoy matey!

There be a column about GUIDE TO PIRATE PARENTING on the Miss Cellania Blog today. Sail over and plunder the site.

Happy pillaging,

Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall
Author, GUIDE TO PIRATE PARENTING

Me virtual book tour

2008-07-02T14:22:00.000-04:00

Ahoy matey!

I'm going on a virtual book tour, which is kind of like sailing without ever leaving the dock. The good news is there'll be no rationing of rum, so hide yer valuables.

You can find information about the tour here.

Starting on July 7, you'll find each day's tour stops here.

Feel free to drop anchor at any of the ports to learn more about GUIDE TO PIRATE PARENTING and me co-author, Tim Bete.

Happy sailing and don't let the bilge rats bite,

Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall
www.PirateParenting.com

Pirate wine

2008-06-16T22:39:00.002-04:00

Question:
Dear Captain,

I usually drink rum but would like to start drinking wine with meals. What wine goes best with salt cod and hardtack? And no jokes about a pirate's favorite wine being, "Me gun powder's wet and I can't fire me cannons!"

Hugs,

Mrs. Jane Smith

Answer:
Ahoy Mrs. Smith!

I don't know much about wine, so I contacted me good friend Gary Vaynerchuk, host of Wine Library TV. Gary suggests the Denner Theresa 2006 or the Magellan Grenache Roussanne Vieilles Vignes 2006.

The description of the Magellan (which be a fine name for a ship, too) also describes me: Rich, decadent and distinctive, with a finish of smoke, usually from me cannons.

Happy sailing and don't let the bilge rats bite,

Cap'n Billy the Butcher

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

2008-06-09T21:57:00.002-04:00

Question:
How much wood could a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Robert, who has a woodchuck in his yard

Answer:
Ahoy Robert!

Pirates hate woodchucks -- at least pirates with wooden legs, like me, hate woodchucks. They always be sniffing around our legs with a hungry gleam in thar eyes.

To answer yer question, the last woodchuck that came near me wooden leg didn't chuck any wood because I stabbed 'em with me dagger. Then I served 'em to the crew. Yum.

Happy sailing and don't let the bilge rate (or woodchucks) bite,

Cap'n Billy the Butcher

My pirate sleeps too much

2008-05-30T06:46:00.005-04:00

Question:
My daughter won't get up in the morning. No matter how I try to wake her, she always falls back alseep and is late for school. What can I do?

Signed,

Fuming in Florida

Answer:
Dear Mr. Fuming,

I used to have the same problem with a crewmate of mine. He was always late for his watch. So we made him sleep in one of the cannons. If he didn't get up on time, we'd just "fire him up," so to speak. The unfortunate part was that we used too much gun powder one day and shot him clear across the horizon, never to be seen again. So use a cannon but keep an eye on the amount of powder you use.

Happy sailing and don't let the bilge rats bite,

Cap'n Billy the Butcher

Sucking on a pirate hook

2008-05-22T05:58:00.003-04:00

Question:
Dear Cap'n Billy,

My child recently got her first pirate hook. She still sucks her thumb, so she now sucks her hook. Should I be concerned?

Signed,

Worried in Wisconsin

Answer:
Dear Mrs. Wisconsin,

While sucking on one's hook may seem fine, your child may wake up one morning and find that she's pierced her tongue during the night. She would have got her tongue pierced when she was older anyway, so it will save you $30 bucks! So you're not only a good pirate parent, you're also frugal. Just don't let your cat or dog sleep with your child. Pets are awfully difficult to remove from hooks.

Happy sailing and don't let the bilge rats bite,

Cap'n Billy the Butcher

How much gun powder?

2008-05-16T10:35:00.004-04:00

Question:
Dear Cap'n Billy,

How much gun powder should I put in my cannon? Also, what should I aim at?

Signed,

A confused parent

Answer:
Dear Ms. Confused,

Your two questions are related. If you're shooting at something big, say a dinosaur, use more gun powder. If you're trying to keep a squirrel off your bird feeder, you should tone down the amount of powder a bit.

I can't tell you what to aim at. Just be careful about shooting at things that can shoot back, like bigger ships or a royal navy fleet.

Happy sailing and don't let the bilge rats bite,

Cap'n Billy

Selling pirate treasure on e-Bay

2008-05-14T22:04:00.014-04:00

Question:
Dear Captain,

Me little powder monkeys keep selling me booty on e-Bay. How can I prevent them from hawking me treasure?

Signed,

Losing my dough in Scranton

Answer:
Dear Mr. Dough,

You could try taking away your kids' computer privlidges. Or you could bury yer treasure, so they can't find it. Or you could threaten to put the home video of them picking their noses on YouTube. Personally, I'd do all three.

Happy sailing and don't let the bilge rats bite,

Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall
Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting
www.pirateparenting.com

Gold or a role in a pirate movie?

2008-05-14T05:56:00.004-04:00

Question:
Dear Mr. Pirate,

Which would you rather have: a merchant vessel full of gold or a starring role in your own pirate movie?

Signed,

The Captain of a merchant vessel full of gold

Answer:
Ahoy, Captain!

I'd rather star in me own pirate movie. I don't care much for merchant vessels full of gold, like some pirates do. Some pirates might try to steal yer booty, but not me. But just to be on the safe side, you should tell me where yer located, so I can protect yer ship from those pirates who aren't as nice as me. I could even help you bring yer ship to a secluded cove where no other pirates can find you. Then you can have a long, well-deserved rest on the island while I sail away with yer ship...I mean keep yer gold safe.

Yer pirate pal who doesn't care about yer gold...honest and for true,

Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall
Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting
http://www.pirateparenting.com/

A pirate's hook shot

2008-05-13T05:55:00.002-04:00

Question:
Dear Cap'n Billy,

Do you play basketball? I bet you have a mean HOOK shot. Get it, HOOK shot?! See you have a HOOK on your hand, so EVERY shot you take is a HOOK shot. Get it?! I'm cracking myself up.

Signed,

A REALLY funny guy

Answer:
Dear Mr. Guy,

You are soooooo funny. I'd like to show you my hook shot. Please meet me behind the Crow's Nest Tavern tonight at 3 a.m., after the bar closes when it's dark and there's nobody around. That's when my hook shot is at its best.

Happy sailing and don't let the bilge rats bite,

Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall
Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting
http://www.pirateparetning.com/

Noises in me ship's bilge

2008-05-12T05:57:00.002-04:00

Question:
There's something in me bilge that's making a lot of noise and is growling. What is it?

Signed,

Scared to go below deck

Answer:
Dear Mr. Deck,

Sounds like a 200 pound bilge rat. Since ye have water in yer bilge, you should call Roto-Rooter...or a pest exterminator...or just make a grenade with some gun powder, light it and toss it below. That's how me mentor, Captain Rackham, got rid of his bilge rats. He also blew up his boat and his self in the process, so be careful.

Happy sailing and don't let the bilge blow up,

Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall
Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting
www.pirateparetning.com

Where do pirates get their mail?

2008-05-11T21:00:00.004-04:00

Question:
How does a pirate get his mail?

Signed,

The USPS

Answer:
Dear USPS,

I get me mail in bottles stuffed with notes and treasure maps. But if I were to use the services of the U.S. Postal Service, I'd get me a mailbox like the one pictured. Arrrr, it's a mighty fine piece of art as well as a useful place to get yer copy of Pirate Magazine.

Happy sailing and don't let the bilge rates, bite,

Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall
Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting
http://www.pirateparenting.com/

Pirate taxis?

2008-05-10T07:26:00.006-04:00

Ahoy matey!

Listen to this, me hearty:

"There are at least 20000 illegal taxis operating without licences in the Eastern Cape, something the government‘s ambitious Taxi Recapitalisation Programme has failed to address. In Nelson Mandela Bay alone, about 4000 'pirates' are thought to be in operation. (read story)

What a great idea! Pick up passengers and don't let 'em out until they give you all their treasure! I wonder if the pirate taxis are black with a white skill & cross bones painted on their hood. Or, better yet, a mast with the Jolly Roger flying, just like me pirate mini-van. If I ever stop being a pirate captain, maybe I'll become a pirate taxi driver.

Happy sailing and don't let the bilge rats bite,

Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall

Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting

http://www.pirateparenting.com/

Pirating IS a business

2008-05-07T06:00:00.003-04:00

Ahoy matey!

Just read this:
"A suburban London man said he will not take down a pirate flag he erected for his daughter's birthday party, despite threats of legal action." (read story) The story says that, "Local laws only give homeowners the right to fly the country's flag or a flag advertising a business."

Since when ISN'T pirating a business, me hearty?! We're in it for the money. We try to keep overhead low and revenue high. We invest in capital improvements such as new ships. We eliminate the competition, usually using force. I think the flag owner needs to add a cannon or two to his business. That will keep the town council at bay.

Happy sailing and don't let the bilge rats bite,

Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall
Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting
www.pirateparenting.com

Hush, Little Pirate

2008-05-06T15:35:00.003-04:00

Ahoy, matey!

Here's a little ditti to sing to yer little power monkeys as they drift off to sleep.

Hush, Little Pirate (Hush, Little Baby)
Hush, little pirate, don’t say a word.
Captain’s gonna buy you a cutlass sword.
And if that cutlass sword won’t slice,
Captain’s gonna give you a rope to splice.
And if that hemp rope gets all frayed,
Captain’ll take you on a pirate raid.
And if that pirate raid is foiled,
Captain’s gonna give you cod-liver oil.
And if that oil makes you upchuck,
Captain’s gonna let the crew run amok.
And when you run, if you fall down,
Don’t go overboard or you’ll drown.

Happy sailing and don't let the bilge rats bite,

Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall
Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting
http://www.pirateparenting.com/

Pirate finger puppets?

2008-05-05T17:02:00.005-04:00

Ahoy matey!

These pirate finger puppets are cute as a baby bilge rat -- but I can only put one on the end of me hook, so what am I suppose to do with the other two? I can't use me other hand because if I put me sword down someone will steal me treasure.

Happy sailing and keep yer booty buried,

Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall
Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting
http://www.pirateparenting.com/

Why should I raise my children as pirates?

2008-05-04T16:03:00.006-04:00

Question:

Why should I raise my children as pirates?

signed,

Curious in Chicago

Answer:

Ahoy Curious!

Let me give ye 10 reasons to raise your children as pirates...

(10) Give a man a ﬁsh and you feed him for a day. Teach him to be a pirate, and he’ll steal other people’s ﬁsh for a lifetime.

(9) Divvying up booty is good quality time with the kids.

(8) When other parents hear you’re raising your children as pirates,
they’ll stop asking you to volunteer at school.

(7) It’s fun to watch the emergency room doctor’s reaction when
you say your son was injured during “a little mishap boarding a merchant vessel that refused to surrender.”

(6) You’ve always preferred the title “Captain” to “Mommy”
or “Daddy.”

(5) You can spend your kids’ college savings on more important
things, like a trip to Las Vegas.

(4) Your children already smell like pirates, so the transition will
be easy.

(3) The family that plunders together, stays together!

(2) Replacing “family movie night” with “family terrorizing the
neighbors with cannons night” is a wonderful change of pace.

(1) I want you to do it—and the last person who didn’t do what I asked was set adrift in a rowboat with only a day’s supply of water.

After yer kids are pirates, send 'em my way. I could use some new crew members.

Happy sailing and don't let the bilge rats bite,

Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall

Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting

http://www.pirateparenting.com/

Pirate hook trouble

2008-05-03T08:20:00.004-04:00

Question:
My son's got his hook caught in me wooden leg. Any tips for getting it unstuck? It's in there real good.

signed,

Captain Peggy Leg

Answer:
Ahoy Captain Leg!

This happens all the time at sea. In fact, the mast of me ship, The Frightened Flounder, has a dozen hooks stuck in it. Two of the hooks still have members of me crew attached.

There's a quick way and a slow way to remove the hook. The quick way is to use black power and blow it out. Since you's already lost your leg and your son his hand, there may not be any further injury. The slow way is to find a lot of termites and set them to eating around the hook. It will take a few days which will be a good chance for you to talk to your son about hook safety.

Happy sailing and keep those hooks away from yer eyes,

Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall
Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting
http://www.pirateparenting.com/

A pirate musical

2008-05-02T06:42:00.002-04:00

Ahoy, Matey!

Triad Stage in Greensboro, NC, announced casting and production details for the world premiere of its homegrown musical, Bloody Blackbeard, about the legendary 18th-century pirate Edward Teach — one of North Carolina's infamous adopted sons.

What has Blackbeard got that I haven't got?! Why not a movie about Cap'n Billy the Butcher and his pet bilge rat Bongo? We can sing. We can dance. We can plunder.

Happy sailing and don't let the bilge rats bite (especially Bongo),

Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall
Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting
www.pirateparenting.com

Pirate pet chickens

2008-05-01T19:48:00.003-04:00

Question:

What should I name my new pet chicken I got for my birthday?

Signed,

A gaggle of giggling girls

Answer:

Ahoy gaggle of girls!

This question is similar to the Guinea pig eulogy question below. I'd name your new chicken "Deep Fryer," because I'll eat it if I can get me hands on him. Or my hook. Or hit him with an oar.

Happy eating and don't let the bilge rats bite,

Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall

Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting

http://www.pirateparenting.com/

Eulogy for a pirate pet

2008-04-30T21:12:00.003-04:00

Question:
Dear Cap'n Billy,

My favorite Guinea pig recently died, and the other Guinea pig, the ugly but snuggly one, doesn't have a whole lot of life in him. He is losing weight and has lost his zest for life. The only thing lacking in my favorite Guinea pig's funeral service was a proper pirate eulogy. Can you write me one for the ugly but snuggly Guinea pig?

Yer #1 fan,

Anna

Answer:

Ahoy there, Anna! There's a reason pirates only have parrots and monkeys fer pets. And that reason be that they can fly or climb away before we can catch 'em. You see, when you've been at sea for six weeks with nothing to eat but salt cod and a little hardtack, ye be wishing to sink yer teeth into some real meat. If I had a Guinea pig on me ship, the crew would eat it within an hour or two. So, here's what a pirate eulogy would be for yer ugly -- yet snuggly -- Guinea pig:

While ye lived, ye brought joy to those around you, despite yer ugliness. Now that yer on a platter with potatoes and carrots, ye look beautiful...good enough to eat. May ye enjoy snuggling in me belly. As thanks, I'll send some rum down fer ye.

Now you've made me hungry. Maybe I can catch me pet parrot after all.

Happy sailing and don't let the bilge rats bite,

Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall

Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting

http://www.pirateparenting.ocm/

Are pirates democrats or republicans?

2008-04-29T19:38:00.000-04:00

Question:
Dear Cap'n Billy,

Are you a democrat or a republican? Also, are you a super-delegate? I'm looking for votes.

Signed,

H. Clinton

Answer:

Dear H.,

I like democrats because they raise taxes, which is a legal form of pillaging. I like republicans because they don't want anyone to tell them what and they hide their money. But officially, I'm a registered member of the "Buccaneer Party." Our motto is, "What's mine is mine and what's yours is mine." The Buccaneer Party doesn't have super-delegates but it does have a wild, rum-crazed festival on election night.

Happy sailing and don't let the bilge rats bite,

Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall

Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting

http://www.pirateparenting.com/

Snidely Whiplash Parenting?

2008-04-28T06:31:00.006-04:00

Question:

Hello Cap'n,

Since ye have a book about pirate parenting, are ye interested in other parenting books by other morally challenged evil-doers and ne'er-do-wells? Me, for example, or maybe Politician Parenting? Ye've opened up a whole new genre in parenting books!

Signed,

Snidely Whiplash

Answer:

Ahoy, Mr. Whiplash!

When I was a wee lad, I carefully considered me career choices. There were so many morally-challenged evil-doer occupations from which to pick. Would I be a ninja? Imperial storm trooper? Bank robber? You? Freddy Krueger? Used-car salesman? Corporate CEO? Lawyer? I kept hearing the sea call me name. I realized that all other evil-doers pale in comparison to pirates. So, no, I'm not interested in books by other ne'er-do-wells. Why take a step backwards? It's the pirate life for me, and kids everywhere, if they be smart.

Happy sailing, and don't let the bilge rats bite,

Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall

Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting

http://www.pirateparenting.com/

What is the meaning of life?

2008-04-27T20:12:00.003-04:00

Question:

What is the meaning of life?

Signed,

Kaylee

Answer:

Ahoy Kaylee!

People have been asking that question since the dawn of time, and all they had to do was read the instructions! According to the rule book for the board game, Life, the object is to "Collect money and LIFE tiles, and have the highest net worth at the end of the game." That's always been me real life philosophy, too. Now I've got to go and plunder a merchant vessel, so I can increase me net worth and win the game.

Happy sailing, and don't let the bilge rats bite,

Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall

Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting

http://www.pirateparenting.com/

What is your favorite sport?

2008-04-26T16:25:00.001-04:00

Question
Dear Cap'n Billy,

What is your favorite sport? Also, what's your parrot's name?
Patrick

Answer
Ahoy Patrick!

Me favorite sport is basketball because you get fowl shots. I loathe parrots and shoot them every chance I get. It's kind of like the way Indiana Jones is afraid of snakes. I hate parrots. They make me skin crawl. Plus, if yer not careful, they'll tell others where you've buried yer treasure.

Instead of a pet parrot, I have a pet bilge rat named Bongo. He's very faithful and even fetches me a mug of grog when I ask. And I've never heard of a bilge rat telling where yer treasure is hidden.

I hate hockey, too, because you get penalized for hooking. You see, I have a hook at the end of me left arm, so I get penalized every other minute.

Happy sailing, and don't let the bilge rats bite,

Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall
Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting
http://www.pirateparenting.com/

Where did you get your eye patch and other questions

2008-04-25T16:31:00.001-04:00

Question
Dear Cap'n Billy,

How did you get your peg leg and eye patch? How long have you been a pirate? How can I become a pirate? But it has to be a secret pirate, and a pirate that has amazing piratey skills!

Yer #1 fan

Caitlyn

Answer
Ahoy Caitlyn!

Ye ask a lot of questions! Have ye ever talked anyone to death? I could use ye to interogate some prisoners.

1) I got me peg leg at L.L. Bean and me eye patch at Walmart.

2) I've been a pirate since I was a baby. I was weaned on hardtack and me mother wrapped me in a sail to keep me warm.

3) You can become a pirate by asking your parents to buy me book and raise ye as one. (You might want to buy them each their own copy, and a few for yer grandparents.) But ye can start becoming a pirate today! First, turn off that insipid Hanna Montana and start listening to more sea shanties. Ask yer mom to serve more shark for dinner, and ask yer dad to convert yer minivan into a pirate schooner.

4) By "secret pirate," ye must mean one that attacks under the dark of night, as opposed to the dark of sunglasses. The key to attacking at night is to wait until after the sun goes down but before sunrise the next morning. And don't get confused by daylight savings time.

5) All pirates have amazing piratey skills! For example, I can eat an entire squid and burp six verses of "Blow the Man Down." Try it at home!

Happy sailing, and don't let the bilge rats bite,

Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall
Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting
http://www.pirateparenting.com/

Dating a pirate?

2008-04-24T13:43:00.000-04:00

Question
Help my daughter is dating a pirate!

Sincerely,

A confused parent

Answer
Ahoy there, Confused!

I can understand why ye bit a bit befuddled over yer daughter dating a pirate. After all, ye want to make a good impression so she doesn't lose her dream man.

I suggest you take an interest in your future son-in-law's work and hobbies. Ask him questions, such as "How was the plundering today" and "Did you see the new cannons down at the Navy Surplus Store?"

When he comes to take yer daughter on a date, sit down together over a ration of rum and listen to his stories of past voyages.

But, whatever you do, don't ever mention The Black Death. The Black Death was a plague that caused hysteria and death in the 1300s. The disease was carried by oriental rat fleas. Because most pirate ships have rats, pirates have a morbid fear of the Black Death to this day. While it may seem funny at the time, do not call your meatloaf “Black Death.” And never tease your future son-in-law by asking, “Is that an oriental rat flea on your head?”

Finally, feel free to invite me to the wedding. I love an open bar.

Happy sailing, and don't let the bilge rats bite,

Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall

Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting

http://www.pirateparenting.com/

Best pirate band?

2008-04-23T11:48:00.003-04:00

Ahoy, matey!

The Dreadnoughts have been called “Canada’s first and finest pirate-punk band.” But for my money, the Dropkick Murphys are the best pirate band. Open yer ears and listen to "I'm Shipping Up to Boston."

Happy sailing and don't let the bilge rats bite,

Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall
Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting
http://www.pirateparenting.com/

How to name a pirate ship or minivan

2008-04-22T19:36:00.000-04:00

Ahoy, matey!

Just read a story about a pirate ship that be needing a name. The Maine Maritime Museum is building a play pirate ship for kids. But they're seeking input from some powder monkeys when they should have used me Automatic Pirate Ship Namer. With it you can name a ship or a pirate minivan.

Here are just a few names me Automatic Ship Namer came up with:

The Angry Derelict

The Vile Rum Drinker

The Festering Shark

Happy sailing and don't let the bilge rats bite,

Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall

Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting

http://www.pirateparenting.com/

What should a pirate parent wear?

2008-04-21T13:13:00.008-04:00

Question:

What should a pirate parent wear?

signed,

A naked captain of four

Answer:

Dear Captain Naked,

Pirates are rugged individuals and wear whatever they please. Hats, bandannas, hooks, swords and even puffy shirts are acceptable attire. But while on the golf course, I highly recommend the pictured shirt from the Eastern Carolina University. I've yet to find another shirt that so proudly shouts, I'm a pirate parent!"

Happy sailing and don't let the bilge rats bite,

Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall

Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting

http://www.pirateparenting.com/

How big should a pirate's allowance be?

2008-04-20T07:04:00.005-04:00

Question:
How large of a weekly allowance should I give to my pirate?

Signed,

Soccer Mom from Scranton

Answer:
Dear Ms. Scranton,

What would be the purpose of giving your pirate a weekly allowance?! It would only decrease your pirate's motivation to plunder and pillage the neighborhood kids who have money and valuables, such as bubble gum and rare baseball cards.

Instead of a weekly allowance, give your pirate a new sword (and possibly a small cannon) and send him out into the world to plunder the allowances of others. There's no limit to the amount of booty he can make. (You might also want to take a 20 percent cut of everything he brings home.)

Happy sailing and don't let the bilge rats bite,

Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall
Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting
http://www.pirateparenting.com/

Hardtack vs. plaster

2008-04-19T18:02:00.005-04:00

Question:

My husband can't tell the difference between my homemade hardtack and dried plaster. What does that mean?

Signed,

Confused Cook

Answer:

Dear Ms. Cook,

The fact that your husband can't tell the difference between your homemade hardtack and dried plaster means that you've perfected your hardtack recipe. It can also save you a few dollars because dried plaster is usually cheaper than the ingredients for hardtack.

Happy sailing and don't let the bilge rates bite,

Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall

Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting

http://www.pirateparenting.com

2008-04-18T12:17:00.004-04:00

Question:

Ahoy, Cap'n Billy!

Me little powder monkeys are driving me crazy.

Signed,

Ready to Abandon Ship

Answer:

Dear Mr. or Ms. Ship,

Usually a question is a statement that asks for a response. "Me little powder monkeys are driving me crazy," is no more a question than when I bellow, "Bring me more rum!" It appears that your nerves are wearing thin and it's time for you to bellow, "Bring me more rum!"

Happy sailing and don't let the bilge rats bite,

Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall

Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting

http://www.pirateparenting.com

Ahoy, Office Pirates!

2008-04-17T13:01:00.001-04:00

Now here's an office I think I could work in!

Happy sailing and don't let the bilge rats bite,

Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall
Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting
www.PirateParenting.com

Pirates and Tootsie Pops

2008-04-15T21:54:00.005-04:00

Question: How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?

Answer: Me good friend, the Scourge of the Sea, at AxaPirate.com, has already covered this question:

Happy sailing and don't let the bilge rats bite,

Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall
Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting
www.PirateParenting.com

Required pirate reading

2008-04-14T21:16:00.005-04:00

Question: Can you recommend any good books for my young pirate to read?

Answer: How 'bout Pirates of the Retail Wasteland, me hearty? I can't claim to have read the book but it has the skull & crossbones on its cover. Plus the cover says it's about "Leon and his miscreant buddies" who hang out in a coffeeshop that "smells funky." I can relate to having miscreant buddies who smell funky. But if you were at sea for three months without a shower, you'd smell funky, too.

Happy sailing and don't let the bilge rats bite,

Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall
Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting
www.PirateParenting.com

Call me "Captain" NOT "Mommy"

2008-04-13T19:22:00.006-04:00

Question: My three-year-old pirate insists on calling me "Mommy" instead of "Captain." What can I do to gain my pirate's respect?

Answer: Assuming you've threatened your pirate with marooning, perhaps you could compromise by creating a threatening pirate nickname that incorporates a motherly tone. A few that come to mind include:

Cut-throat Kitchen Crusader
Playground Pillager
Barbaric Broom-wielder

Happy sailing and don't let the bilge rats bite,

Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall
Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting
http://www.pirateparenting.com/

Guide to Pirate Parenting

2008-04-12T08:59:00.007-04:00

Big news about me book, Guide to Pirate Parenting. A publisher saw the great literary quality in me book and it will soon go from being a self-published title to a traditionally-published one! What does that mean to me? More booty, me hearty. And more booty means more rum. And more rum means you'd best hide yer booty.

Happy sailing and don't let the bilge rats bite,

Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall
Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting
http://www.pirateparenting.com/

Talk Like a Landlubber Day

2007-09-18T15:18:00.000-04:00

Ahoy matey!

On Sept. 19, I like to Talk Like a Landlubber while everyone else is Talking Like a Pirate.

Here's are some of me favorite landlubber lines:

* Honey, would you stop by the store and get some bread before you pick up junior at his soccer practice?

* Yes, sir, I'll have the financial statements ready by the end of the day.

* I prefer the mountains to the ocean.

God must love those dumb landlubbers. He made so many of 'em!

Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall
www.PirateParenting.com

Getting the little powder monkey out of yer bed

2007-09-18T15:15:00.000-04:00

Question: Me little spawn be still sleeping in me cot and he be six years young and I need some space from me little matey. Any answers?

Answer: I have lots of answers but first ye be needing to actually ASK a question. Have you tried pushing yer little powder monkey out of the cot? That's what I'd do. Either that or set him afloat in a dinghy while he's asleep. Parenting is easy when ye be a pirate.

Don't let the bilge rats bite,

Cap'n Billy

Walk Like a Pirate Day is Sept. 20

2007-08-30T17:00:00.000-04:00

Me good friends Mark "Cap'n Slappy" Summers and John "Ol' Chumbucket" Baur were geniuses for creating Talk Like A Pirate Day, which is celebrated on September 19 each year. (Personally, being a pirate and all, I celebrate Talk Like a Landlubber Day and say things like, "Let's drive to the mall and catch a movie" and "I'd prefer an expensive bottle of water to a ration of rum." Me crew thinks talking like a landlubber is hilarious!)

While Talk Like a Pirate Day is as much fun as firing at a merchant vessel, at some point you have to stop talking the talk, and walk the walk. No, not off the plank, me hearty. I mean it's more fun to ACT like a pirate than just TALK like one. That's why I wrote me book, Cap'n Billy "The Butcher MacDougall's Guide to Pirate Parenting: Why you should raise your kids as pirates and 101 tips on how to do it. It's also why I be declaring Sept. 20, 2007 the first-annual Walk Like a Pirate Day. (Since you'll perfect your pirate voice on Sept. 19, you're already one step ahead of the game.)

Ye can start Sept. 20 pretending you have a peg leg or that yer toe was bitten by a bilge rat. You could even put a live codfish down your pants, if ye want to walk like "Crazy Legs" Johnny Jibson, the first mate on me first ship. But "walking the pirate walk" means acting like a pirate in every way.

Read more!

A praying pirate!

2007-07-23T16:44:00.000-04:00

Listen to this, ye scurvy dogs!

Sam Brobst took a 'Learning Your Spiritual Gift' course at Full Life Center, a charismatic church, and felt the Lord leading him to prophesy during meetings. But when Brobst opened his mouth the first time, he and others were surprised by what came out: pirate speak!

"We were in the middle of worship, when this voice rings out, 'Yar! Hear the word of the Lord — the Lord of the mighty seas!'" says one witness. "It was straight out of a Disneyland ride."

You can read the whole story here.

Now that's the pirate church for me!

Cap'n Billy the Butcher

What does it take to raze a village?

2007-07-23T15:41:00.000-04:00

Question
Hillary Clinton wrote a book some years back called "It Takes a Village" or some such nonsense. The premise was that it takes a village to raise a child. By the Pirate Parenting code, would it be "It takes a child to raze a village"?

Jib Master J.T.

Answer
Ahoy, Jib Master!

Excellent question! To raze a village, it takes one of the following:

* 100 pirate children with daggers
* 50 pirate children with daggers and pistols
* 1 pirate child with a REALLY, REALLY big cannon.

The important thing isn't the number of kids but rather the value of the village's plunder.

Cap'n Billy the Butcher
(who doesn't belong to any political party but votes often)

P.S. It takes only five pirate children asking "Are we there yet?" to "Craze a village."

P.P.S. If you fill your cannons with corn, you can "maize a village."

What should you do with a drunken teacher?

2007-04-30T13:57:00.000-04:00

Just read this in the latest issue of the Chronicle of Higher Education (I was using it to clean the inside of me cannon) and came across this:

"Stacy Snyder, an aspiring teacher who is now 27 years old, was set to graduate last year from Millersville's School of Education. But just days before commencement, campus officials discovered Ms. Snyder's MySpace page -- which featured a photograph of the student wearing a pirate hat and sipping from a plastic cup. The picture's caption read 'Drunken Pirate.'"

"Administrators deemed the image 'unprofessional,' and they refused to award her an education degree and the teaching certificate that came along with it."

I admit, the Mr. Goodbar cup doesn't portrait the rough-and-tumble pirate image, and her hat is a little small, but she can drink like a pirate. So, since her school won't give her an education degree, it's up to me to do so.

I hereby confer on Stacy Snyder, the degree of Doctor of Skullduggery, with a minor in Pillaging. This degree allows her to teach on any accrediated pirate ship in the seven seas. I also give her the pirate name, Stacy "Professor of Pain" Snyder. Congratulations Dr. Snyder! Now go teach some kids how to hornswaggle.

As the co-author of Guide to Pirate Parenting, Dr. Snyder is just the kind of teacher I think parents should look for. She's the perfect addition to the PTA -- Pirate-Teacher Association.

Happy sailing, and don;t let the bilge rats bite,

Cap'n Billy the Butcher
www.PirateParenting.com

What should I name my new pet chicken?

2007-04-11T06:35:00.000-04:00

Question
What should I name my new pet chicken I got for my birthday?

A gaggle of giggling girls

Answer
Ahoy gaggle of girls!

This question is similar to the Guinea pig eulogy question below. I'd name your new chicken "Deep Fryer," because I'll eat it if I can get me hands on him. Or my hook. Or hit him with an oar.

Happy eating, and don't let the bilge rats bite,

Cap'n Billy the Butcher

Pirate pet eulogy

2007-04-03T17:01:00.000-04:00

Question

Dear Cap'n Billy,

Yer #1 fan,

Anna

Answer
Ahoy there, Anna!

There's a reason pirates only have parrots and monkeys fer pets. And that reason be that they can fly or climb away before we can catch 'em. You see, when you've been at sea for six weeks with nothing to eat but salt cod and a little hardtack, ye be wishing to sink yer teeth into some real meat. If I had a Guinea pig on me ship, the crew would eat it within an hour or two.

So, here's what a pirate eulogy would be for yer ugly -- yet snuggly -- Guinea pig:

While ye lived, ye brought joy to those around you, despite yer ugliness.
Now that yer on a platter with potatoes and carrots, ye look beautiful...good enough to eat.
May ye enjoy snuggling in me belly. As thanks, I'll send some rum down fer ye.

Now you've made me hungry. Maybe I can catch me pet parrot after all.

Cap'n Billy

P.S. Since ye don't have a pirate name, I hereby dub ye "Anna the Rodent Killer." It's not as tough a name as "Anna the Great White Shark Killer," but it will have to do until you get a great white shark for a pet and it dies from neglect, or is killed by yer ugly Guinea pig.

Learn more about the book, Guide to Pirate Parenting