How big should a pirate's allowance be?

Question:
How large of a weekly allowance should I give to my pirate?

Signed,

Soccer Mom from Scranton

Answer:
Dear Ms. Scranton,

What would be the purpose of giving your pirate a weekly allowance?! It would only decrease your pirate's motivation to plunder and pillage the neighborhood kids who have money and valuables, such as bubble gum and rare baseball cards.

Instead of a weekly allowance, give your pirate a new sword (and possibly a small cannon) and send him out into the world to plunder the allowances of others. There's no limit to the amount of booty he can make. (You might also want to take a 20 percent cut of everything he brings home.)

Happy sailing and don't let the bilge rats bite,

Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall
Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting
http://www.pirateparenting.com/

Hardtack vs. plaster

Question:

My husband can't tell the difference between my homemade hardtack and dried plaster. What does that mean?

Signed,

Confused Cook

Answer:

Dear Ms. Cook,

The fact that your husband can't tell the difference between your homemade hardtack and dried plaster means that you've perfected your hardtack recipe. It can also save you a few dollars because dried plaster is usually cheaper than the ingredients for hardtack.

Happy sailing and don't let the bilge rates bite,

Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall

Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting

http://www.pirateparenting.com

Question:

Ahoy, Cap'n Billy!

Me little powder monkeys are driving me crazy.

Signed,

Ready to Abandon Ship

Answer:

Dear Mr. or Ms. Ship,

Usually a question is a statement that asks for a response. "Me little powder monkeys are driving me crazy," is no more a question than when I bellow, "Bring me more rum!" It appears that your nerves are wearing thin and it's time for you to bellow, "Bring me more rum!"

Happy sailing and don't let the bilge rats bite,

Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall

Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting

http://www.pirateparenting.com

Ahoy, Office Pirates!

Now here's an office I think I could work in!



Happy sailing and don't let the bilge rats bite,

Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall
Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting
www.PirateParenting.com

Pirates and Tootsie Pops

Question: How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?

Answer: Me good friend, the Scourge of the Sea, at AxaPirate.com, has already covered this question:



Happy sailing and don't let the bilge rats bite,

Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall
Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting
www.PirateParenting.com

Required pirate reading

Question: Can you recommend any good books for my young pirate to read?

Answer: How 'bout Pirates of the Retail Wasteland, me hearty? I can't claim to have read the book but it has the skull & crossbones on its cover. Plus the cover says it's about "Leon and his miscreant buddies" who hang out in a coffeeshop that "smells funky." I can relate to having miscreant buddies who smell funky. But if you were at sea for three months without a shower, you'd smell funky, too.

Happy sailing and don't let the bilge rats bite,

Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall
Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting
www.PirateParenting.com

Call me "Captain" NOT "Mommy"

Question: My three-year-old pirate insists on calling me "Mommy" instead of "Captain." What can I do to gain my pirate's respect?

Answer: Assuming you've threatened your pirate with marooning, perhaps you could compromise by creating a threatening pirate nickname that incorporates a motherly tone. A few that come to mind include:

• Cut-throat Kitchen Crusader
• Playground Pillager
• Barbaric Broom-wielder

Happy sailing and don't let the bilge rats bite,

Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall
Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting
http://www.pirateparenting.com/

Guide to Pirate Parenting

Big news about me book, Guide to Pirate Parenting. A publisher saw the great literary quality in me book and it will soon go from being a self-published title to a traditionally-published one! What does that mean to me? More booty, me hearty. And more booty means more rum. And more rum means you'd best hide yer booty.

Happy sailing and don't let the bilge rats bite,

Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall
Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting
http://www.pirateparenting.com/

Talk Like a Landlubber Day

Ahoy matey!

On Sept. 19, I like to Talk Like a Landlubber while everyone else is Talking Like a Pirate.

Here's are some of me favorite landlubber lines:

* Honey, would you stop by the store and get some bread before you pick up junior at his soccer practice?

* Yes, sir, I'll have the financial statements ready by the end of the day.

* I prefer the mountains to the ocean.

God must love those dumb landlubbers. He made so many of 'em!

Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall
www.PirateParenting.com

Getting the little powder monkey out of yer bed

Question: Me little spawn be still sleeping in me cot and he be six years young and I need some space from me little matey. Any answers?

Answer: I have lots of answers but first ye be needing to actually ASK a question. Have you tried pushing yer little powder monkey out of the cot? That's what I'd do. Either that or set him afloat in a dinghy while he's asleep. Parenting is easy when ye be a pirate.

Don't let the bilge rats bite,

Cap'n Billy