Eulogy for a pirate pet

Question:
Dear Cap'n Billy,

My favorite Guinea pig recently died, and the other Guinea pig, the ugly but snuggly one, doesn't have a whole lot of life in him. He is losing weight and has lost his zest for life. The only thing lacking in my favorite Guinea pig's funeral service was a proper pirate eulogy. Can you write me one for the ugly but snuggly Guinea pig?

Yer #1 fan,

Anna

Answer:

Ahoy there, Anna! There's a reason pirates only have parrots and monkeys fer pets. And that reason be that they can fly or climb away before we can catch 'em. You see, when you've been at sea for six weeks with nothing to eat but salt cod and a little hardtack, ye be wishing to sink yer teeth into some real meat. If I had a Guinea pig on me ship, the crew would eat it within an hour or two. So, here's what a pirate eulogy would be for yer ugly -- yet snuggly -- Guinea pig:

While ye lived, ye brought joy to those around you, despite yer ugliness. Now that yer on a platter with potatoes and carrots, ye look beautiful...good enough to eat. May ye enjoy snuggling in me belly. As thanks, I'll send some rum down fer ye.

Now you've made me hungry. Maybe I can catch me pet parrot after all.

Happy sailing and don't let the bilge rats bite,

Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall

Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting

http://www.pirateparenting.ocm/

Are pirates democrats or republicans?

Question:
Dear Cap'n Billy,

Are you a democrat or a republican? Also, are you a super-delegate? I'm looking for votes.

Signed,

H. Clinton

Answer:

Dear H.,

I like democrats because they raise taxes, which is a legal form of pillaging. I like republicans because they don't want anyone to tell them what and they hide their money. But officially, I'm a registered member of the "Buccaneer Party." Our motto is, "What's mine is mine and what's yours is mine." The Buccaneer Party doesn't have super-delegates but it does have a wild, rum-crazed festival on election night.

Happy sailing and don't let the bilge rats bite,

Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall

Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting

http://www.pirateparenting.com/

Snidely Whiplash Parenting?

Question:

Hello Cap'n,

Since ye have a book about pirate parenting, are ye interested in other parenting books by other morally challenged evil-doers and ne'er-do-wells? Me, for example, or maybe Politician Parenting? Ye've opened up a whole new genre in parenting books!

Signed,

Snidely Whiplash

Answer:

Ahoy, Mr. Whiplash!

When I was a wee lad, I carefully considered me career choices. There were so many morally-challenged evil-doer occupations from which to pick. Would I be a ninja? Imperial storm trooper? Bank robber? You? Freddy Krueger? Used-car salesman? Corporate CEO? Lawyer? I kept hearing the sea call me name. I realized that all other evil-doers pale in comparison to pirates. So, no, I'm not interested in books by other ne'er-do-wells. Why take a step backwards? It's the pirate life for me, and kids everywhere, if they be smart.

Happy sailing, and don't let the bilge rats bite,

Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall

Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting

http://www.pirateparenting.com/

What is the meaning of life?

Question:

What is the meaning of life?

Signed,

Kaylee

Answer:

Ahoy Kaylee!

People have been asking that question since the dawn of time, and all they had to do was read the instructions! According to the rule book for the board game, Life, the object is to "Collect money and LIFE tiles, and have the highest net worth at the end of the game." That's always been me real life philosophy, too. Now I've got to go and plunder a merchant vessel, so I can increase me net worth and win the game.

Happy sailing, and don't let the bilge rats bite,

Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall

Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting

http://www.pirateparenting.com/

What is your favorite sport?

Question
Dear Cap'n Billy,

What is your favorite sport? Also, what's your parrot's name?
Patrick

Answer
Ahoy Patrick!

Me favorite sport is basketball because you get fowl shots. I loathe parrots and shoot them every chance I get. It's kind of like the way Indiana Jones is afraid of snakes. I hate parrots. They make me skin crawl. Plus, if yer not careful, they'll tell others where you've buried yer treasure.

Instead of a pet parrot, I have a pet bilge rat named Bongo. He's very faithful and even fetches me a mug of grog when I ask. And I've never heard of a bilge rat telling where yer treasure is hidden.

I hate hockey, too, because you get penalized for hooking. You see, I have a hook at the end of me left arm, so I get penalized every other minute.

Happy sailing, and don't let the bilge rats bite,

Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall
Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting
http://www.pirateparenting.com/

Where did you get your eye patch and other questions

Question
Dear Cap'n Billy,

How did you get your peg leg and eye patch? How long have you been a pirate? How can I become a pirate? But it has to be a secret pirate, and a pirate that has amazing piratey skills!

Yer #1 fan

Caitlyn

Answer
Ahoy Caitlyn!

Ye ask a lot of questions! Have ye ever talked anyone to death? I could use ye to interogate some prisoners.

1) I got me peg leg at L.L. Bean and me eye patch at Walmart.

2) I've been a pirate since I was a baby. I was weaned on hardtack and me mother wrapped me in a sail to keep me warm.

3) You can become a pirate by asking your parents to buy me book and raise ye as one. (You might want to buy them each their own copy, and a few for yer grandparents.) But ye can start becoming a pirate today! First, turn off that insipid Hanna Montana and start listening to more sea shanties. Ask yer mom to serve more shark for dinner, and ask yer dad to convert yer minivan into a pirate schooner.

4) By "secret pirate," ye must mean one that attacks under the dark of night, as opposed to the dark of sunglasses. The key to attacking at night is to wait until after the sun goes down but before sunrise the next morning. And don't get confused by daylight savings time.

5) All pirates have amazing piratey skills! For example, I can eat an entire squid and burp six verses of "Blow the Man Down." Try it at home!

Happy sailing, and don't let the bilge rats bite,

Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall
Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting
http://www.pirateparenting.com/

Dating a pirate?

Question
Help my daughter is dating a pirate!

Sincerely,

A confused parent

Answer
Ahoy there, Confused!

I can understand why ye bit a bit befuddled over yer daughter dating a pirate. After all, ye want to make a good impression so she doesn't lose her dream man.

I suggest you take an interest in your future son-in-law's work and hobbies. Ask him questions, such as "How was the plundering today" and "Did you see the new cannons down at the Navy Surplus Store?"

When he comes to take yer daughter on a date, sit down together over a ration of rum and listen to his stories of past voyages.

But, whatever you do, don't ever mention The Black Death. The Black Death was a plague that caused hysteria and death in the 1300s. The disease was carried by oriental rat fleas. Because most pirate ships have rats, pirates have a morbid fear of the Black Death to this day. While it may seem funny at the time, do not call your meatloaf “Black Death.” And never tease your future son-in-law by asking, “Is that an oriental rat flea on your head?”

Finally, feel free to invite me to the wedding. I love an open bar.

Happy sailing, and don't let the bilge rats bite,

Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall

Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting

http://www.pirateparenting.com/

Best pirate band?

Ahoy, matey!

The Dreadnoughts have been called “Canada’s first and finest pirate-punk band.” But for my money, the Dropkick Murphys are the best pirate band. Open yer ears and listen to "I'm Shipping Up to Boston."



Happy sailing and don't let the bilge rats bite,

Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall
Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting
http://www.pirateparenting.com/

How to name a pirate ship or minivan

Ahoy, matey!

Just read a story about a pirate ship that be needing a name. The Maine Maritime Museum is building a play pirate ship for kids. But they're seeking input from some powder monkeys when they should have used me Automatic Pirate Ship Namer. With it you can name a ship or a pirate minivan.

Here are just a few names me Automatic Ship Namer came up with:

• The Angry Derelict


• The Vile Rum Drinker


• The Festering Shark

Happy sailing and don't let the bilge rats bite,

Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall

Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting

http://www.pirateparenting.com/

What should a pirate parent wear?

Question:

What should a pirate parent wear?

signed,

A naked captain of four

Answer:

Dear Captain Naked,

Pirates are rugged individuals and wear whatever they please. Hats, bandannas, hooks, swords and even puffy shirts are acceptable attire. But while on the golf course, I highly recommend the pictured shirt from the Eastern Carolina University. I've yet to find another shirt that so proudly shouts, I'm a pirate parent!"

Happy sailing and don't let the bilge rats bite,

Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall

Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting

http://www.pirateparenting.com/

How big should a pirate's allowance be?

Question:
How large of a weekly allowance should I give to my pirate?

Signed,

Soccer Mom from Scranton

Answer:
Dear Ms. Scranton,

What would be the purpose of giving your pirate a weekly allowance?! It would only decrease your pirate's motivation to plunder and pillage the neighborhood kids who have money and valuables, such as bubble gum and rare baseball cards.

Instead of a weekly allowance, give your pirate a new sword (and possibly a small cannon) and send him out into the world to plunder the allowances of others. There's no limit to the amount of booty he can make. (You might also want to take a 20 percent cut of everything he brings home.)

Happy sailing and don't let the bilge rats bite,

Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall
Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting
http://www.pirateparenting.com/

Hardtack vs. plaster

Question:

My husband can't tell the difference between my homemade hardtack and dried plaster. What does that mean?

Signed,

Confused Cook

Answer:

Dear Ms. Cook,

The fact that your husband can't tell the difference between your homemade hardtack and dried plaster means that you've perfected your hardtack recipe. It can also save you a few dollars because dried plaster is usually cheaper than the ingredients for hardtack.

Happy sailing and don't let the bilge rates bite,

Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall

Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting

http://www.pirateparenting.com

Question:

Ahoy, Cap'n Billy!

Me little powder monkeys are driving me crazy.

Signed,

Ready to Abandon Ship

Answer:

Dear Mr. or Ms. Ship,

Usually a question is a statement that asks for a response. "Me little powder monkeys are driving me crazy," is no more a question than when I bellow, "Bring me more rum!" It appears that your nerves are wearing thin and it's time for you to bellow, "Bring me more rum!"

Happy sailing and don't let the bilge rats bite,

Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall

Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting

http://www.pirateparenting.com

Ahoy, Office Pirates!

Now here's an office I think I could work in!



Happy sailing and don't let the bilge rats bite,

Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall
Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting
www.PirateParenting.com

Pirates and Tootsie Pops

Question: How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?

Answer: Me good friend, the Scourge of the Sea, at AxaPirate.com, has already covered this question:



Happy sailing and don't let the bilge rats bite,

Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall
Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting
www.PirateParenting.com

Required pirate reading

Question: Can you recommend any good books for my young pirate to read?

Answer: How 'bout Pirates of the Retail Wasteland, me hearty? I can't claim to have read the book but it has the skull & crossbones on its cover. Plus the cover says it's about "Leon and his miscreant buddies" who hang out in a coffeeshop that "smells funky." I can relate to having miscreant buddies who smell funky. But if you were at sea for three months without a shower, you'd smell funky, too.

Happy sailing and don't let the bilge rats bite,

Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall
Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting
www.PirateParenting.com

Call me "Captain" NOT "Mommy"

Question: My three-year-old pirate insists on calling me "Mommy" instead of "Captain." What can I do to gain my pirate's respect?

Answer: Assuming you've threatened your pirate with marooning, perhaps you could compromise by creating a threatening pirate nickname that incorporates a motherly tone. A few that come to mind include:

• Cut-throat Kitchen Crusader
• Playground Pillager
• Barbaric Broom-wielder

Happy sailing and don't let the bilge rats bite,

Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall
Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting
http://www.pirateparenting.com/

Guide to Pirate Parenting

Big news about me book, Guide to Pirate Parenting. A publisher saw the great literary quality in me book and it will soon go from being a self-published title to a traditionally-published one! What does that mean to me? More booty, me hearty. And more booty means more rum. And more rum means you'd best hide yer booty.

Happy sailing and don't let the bilge rats bite,

Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall
Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting
http://www.pirateparenting.com/