What should you do with a drunken teacher?

Just read this in the latest issue of the Chronicle of Higher Education (I was using it to clean the inside of me cannon) and came across this:

"Stacy Snyder, an aspiring teacher who is now 27 years old, was set to graduate last year from Millersville's School of Education. But just days before commencement, campus officials discovered Ms. Snyder's MySpace page -- which featured a photograph of the student wearing a pirate hat and sipping from a plastic cup. The picture's caption read 'Drunken Pirate.'"

"Administrators deemed the image 'unprofessional,' and they refused to award her an education degree and the teaching certificate that came along with it."

I admit, the Mr. Goodbar cup doesn't portrait the rough-and-tumble pirate image, and her hat is a little small, but she can drink like a pirate. So, since her school won't give her an education degree, it's up to me to do so.

I hereby confer on Stacy Snyder, the degree of Doctor of Skullduggery, with a minor in Pillaging. This degree allows her to teach on any accrediated pirate ship in the seven seas. I also give her the pirate name, Stacy "Professor of Pain" Snyder. Congratulations Dr. Snyder! Now go teach some kids how to hornswaggle.

As the co-author of Guide to Pirate Parenting, Dr. Snyder is just the kind of teacher I think parents should look for. She's the perfect addition to the PTA -- Pirate-Teacher Association.

Happy sailing, and don;t let the bilge rats bite,

Cap'n Billy the Butcher
www.PirateParenting.com

What should I name my new pet chicken?

Question
What should I name my new pet chicken I got for my birthday?

A gaggle of giggling girls

Answer
Ahoy gaggle of girls!

This question is similar to the Guinea pig eulogy question below. I'd name your new chicken "Deep Fryer," because I'll eat it if I can get me hands on him. Or my hook. Or hit him with an oar.

Happy eating, and don't let the bilge rats bite,

Cap'n Billy the Butcher

Pirate pet eulogy

Question

Dear Cap'n Billy,

My favorite Guinea pig recently died, and the other Guinea pig, the ugly but snuggly one, doesn't have a whole lot of life in him. He is losing weight and has lost his zest for life. The only thing lacking in my favorite Guinea pig's funeral service was a proper pirate eulogy. Can you write me one for the ugly but snuggly Guinea pig?

Yer #1 fan,

Anna

Answer
Ahoy there, Anna!

There's a reason pirates only have parrots and monkeys fer pets. And that reason be that they can fly or climb away before we can catch 'em. You see, when you've been at sea for six weeks with nothing to eat but salt cod and a little hardtack, ye be wishing to sink yer teeth into some real meat. If I had a Guinea pig on me ship, the crew would eat it within an hour or two.

So, here's what a pirate eulogy would be for yer ugly -- yet snuggly -- Guinea pig:

While ye lived, ye brought joy to those around you, despite yer ugliness.
Now that yer on a platter with potatoes and carrots, ye look beautiful...good enough to eat.
May ye enjoy snuggling in me belly. As thanks, I'll send some rum down fer ye.

Now you've made me hungry. Maybe I can catch me pet parrot after all.

Cap'n Billy

P.S. Since ye don't have a pirate name, I hereby dub ye "Anna the Rodent Killer." It's not as tough a name as "Anna the Great White Shark Killer," but it will have to do until you get a great white shark for a pet and it dies from neglect, or is killed by yer ugly Guinea pig.

Learn more about the book, Guide to Pirate Parenting