In an effort to get more publicity for his book, GUIDE TO PIRATE PARENTING, Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall (that be me) has agreed to star in the upcoming High School Musical 3.
In a rare interview with both Tim Bete and me, we share why we wrote GUIDE TO PIRATE PARENTING ("Cap’n Billy put his dagger next to my neck and told me I was going to write a book for him") as well as how we placate our muse when she refuses to inspire us ("We ply her with rum"). Read the interview.
Cap'n Billy
www.pirateparenting.com
Ahoy, feng-shui-loving land-lubbers! Cap’n Billy the Butcher here with some great feng-shui tips to help you achieve perfect harmony so you can reach your goal to be the world’s most perfect plunderer! Ye can read all about it here.
Happy sailing and don't let the bilge rats bite,
Cap'n Billy the Butcher
Ahoy matey!
There be a column about GUIDE TO PIRATE PARENTING on the Miss Cellania Blog today. Sail over and plunder the site.
Happy pillaging,
Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall
Author, GUIDE TO PIRATE PARENTING
Ahoy matey!
I'm going on a virtual book tour, which is kind of like sailing without ever leaving the dock. The good news is there'll be no rationing of rum, so hide yer valuables.
You can find information about the tour here.
Starting on July 7, you'll find each day's tour stops here.
Feel free to drop anchor at any of the ports to learn more about GUIDE TO PIRATE PARENTING and me co-author, Tim Bete.
Happy sailing and don't let the bilge rats bite,
Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall
www.PirateParenting.com
Question:
Dear Captain,
I usually drink rum but would like to start drinking wine with meals. What wine goes best with salt cod and hardtack? And no jokes about a pirate's favorite wine being, "Me gun powder's wet and I can't fire me cannons!"
Hugs,
Mrs. Jane Smith
Answer:
Ahoy Mrs. Smith!
I don't know much about wine, so I contacted me good friend Gary Vaynerchuk, host of Wine Library TV. Gary suggests the Denner Theresa 2006 or the Magellan Grenache Roussanne Vieilles Vignes 2006.
The description of the Magellan (which be a fine name for a ship, too) also describes me: Rich, decadent and distinctive, with a finish of smoke, usually from me cannons.
Happy sailing and don't let the bilge rats bite,
Cap'n Billy the Butcher
Question:
How much wood could a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood?
Robert, who has a woodchuck in his yard
Answer:
Ahoy Robert!
Pirates hate woodchucks -- at least pirates with wooden legs, like me, hate woodchucks. They always be sniffing around our legs with a hungry gleam in thar eyes.
To answer yer question, the last woodchuck that came near me wooden leg didn't chuck any wood because I stabbed 'em with me dagger. Then I served 'em to the crew. Yum.
Happy sailing and don't let the bilge rate (or woodchucks) bite,
Cap'n Billy the Butcher
Question:
My daughter won't get up in the morning. No matter how I try to wake her, she always falls back alseep and is late for school. What can I do?
Signed,
Fuming in Florida
Answer:
Dear Mr. Fuming,
I used to have the same problem with a crewmate of mine. He was always late for his watch. So we made him sleep in one of the cannons. If he didn't get up on time, we'd just "fire him up," so to speak. The unfortunate part was that we used too much gun powder one day and shot him clear across the horizon, never to be seen again. So use a cannon but keep an eye on the amount of powder you use.
Happy sailing and don't let the bilge rats bite,
Cap'n Billy the Butcher
Question:
Dear Cap'n Billy,
My child recently got her first pirate hook. She still sucks her thumb, so she now sucks her hook. Should I be concerned?
Signed,
Worried in Wisconsin
Answer:
Dear Mrs. Wisconsin,
While sucking on one's hook may seem fine, your child may wake up one morning and find that she's pierced her tongue during the night. She would have got her tongue pierced when she was older anyway, so it will save you $30 bucks! So you're not only a good pirate parent, you're also frugal. Just don't let your cat or dog sleep with your child. Pets are awfully difficult to remove from hooks.
Happy sailing and don't let the bilge rats bite,
Cap'n Billy the Butcher
Question:
Dear Cap'n Billy,
How much gun powder should I put in my cannon? Also, what should I aim at?
Signed,
A confused parent
Answer:
Dear Ms. Confused,
Your two questions are related. If you're shooting at something big, say a dinosaur, use more gun powder. If you're trying to keep a squirrel off your bird feeder, you should tone down the amount of powder a bit.
I can't tell you what to aim at. Just be careful about shooting at things that can shoot back, like bigger ships or a royal navy fleet.
Happy sailing and don't let the bilge rats bite,
Cap'n Billy
Question:
Dear Captain,
Me little powder monkeys keep selling me booty on e-Bay. How can I prevent them from hawking me treasure?
Signed,
Losing my dough in Scranton
Answer:
Dear Mr. Dough,
You could try taking away your kids' computer privlidges. Or you could bury yer treasure, so they can't find it. Or you could threaten to put the home video of them picking their noses on YouTube. Personally, I'd do all three.
Happy sailing and don't let the bilge rats bite,
Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall
Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting
www.pirateparenting.com
Question:
Dear Mr. Pirate,
Which would you rather have: a merchant vessel full of gold or a starring role in your own pirate movie?
Signed,
The Captain of a merchant vessel full of gold
Answer:
Ahoy, Captain!
I'd rather star in me own pirate movie. I don't care much for merchant vessels full of gold, like some pirates do. Some pirates might try to steal yer booty, but not me. But just to be on the safe side, you should tell me where yer located, so I can protect yer ship from those pirates who aren't as nice as me. I could even help you bring yer ship to a secluded cove where no other pirates can find you. Then you can have a long, well-deserved rest on the island while I sail away with yer ship...I mean keep yer gold safe.
Yer pirate pal who doesn't care about yer gold...honest and for true,
Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall
Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting
http://www.pirateparenting.com/
Question:
Dear Cap'n Billy,
Do you play basketball? I bet you have a mean HOOK shot. Get it, HOOK shot?! See you have a HOOK on your hand, so EVERY shot you take is a HOOK shot. Get it?! I'm cracking myself up.
Signed,
A REALLY funny guy
Answer:
Dear Mr. Guy,
You are soooooo funny. I'd like to show you my hook shot. Please meet me behind the Crow's Nest Tavern tonight at 3 a.m., after the bar closes when it's dark and there's nobody around. That's when my hook shot is at its best.
Happy sailing and don't let the bilge rats bite,
Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall
Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting
http://www.pirateparetning.com/
Question:
There's something in me bilge that's making a lot of noise and is growling. What is it?
Signed,
Scared to go below deck
Answer:
Dear Mr. Deck,
Sounds like a 200 pound bilge rat. Since ye have water in yer bilge, you should call Roto-Rooter...or a pest exterminator...or just make a grenade with some gun powder, light it and toss it below. That's how me mentor, Captain Rackham, got rid of his bilge rats. He also blew up his boat and his self in the process, so be careful.
Happy sailing and don't let the bilge blow up,
Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall
Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting
www.pirateparetning.com
Question:
How does a pirate get his mail?
Signed,
The USPS
Answer:
Dear USPS,
I get me mail in bottles stuffed with notes and treasure maps. But if I were to use the services of the U.S. Postal Service, I'd get me a mailbox like the one pictured. Arrrr, it's a mighty fine piece of art as well as a useful place to get yer copy of Pirate Magazine.
Happy sailing and don't let the bilge rates, bite,
Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall
Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting
http://www.pirateparenting.com/
Ahoy matey!
Just read this:
"A suburban London man said he will not take down a pirate flag he erected for his daughter's birthday party, despite threats of legal action." (read story) The story says that, "Local laws only give homeowners the right to fly the country's flag or a flag advertising a business."
Since when ISN'T pirating a business, me hearty?! We're in it for the money. We try to keep overhead low and revenue high. We invest in capital improvements such as new ships. We eliminate the competition, usually using force. I think the flag owner needs to add a cannon or two to his business. That will keep the town council at bay.
Happy sailing and don't let the bilge rats bite,
Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall
Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting
www.pirateparenting.com
Ahoy, matey!
Here's a little ditti to sing to yer little power monkeys as they drift off to sleep.
Hush, Little Pirate (Hush, Little Baby)
Hush, little pirate, don’t say a word.
Captain’s gonna buy you a cutlass sword.
And if that cutlass sword won’t slice,
Captain’s gonna give you a rope to splice.
And if that hemp rope gets all frayed,
Captain’ll take you on a pirate raid.
And if that pirate raid is foiled,
Captain’s gonna give you cod-liver oil.
And if that oil makes you upchuck,
Captain’s gonna let the crew run amok.
And when you run, if you fall down,
Don’t go overboard or you’ll drown.
Happy sailing and don't let the bilge rats bite,
Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall
Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting
http://www.pirateparenting.com/
Ahoy matey!
These pirate finger puppets are cute as a baby bilge rat -- but I can only put one on the end of me hook, so what am I suppose to do with the other two? I can't use me other hand because if I put me sword down someone will steal me treasure.
Happy sailing and keep yer booty buried,
Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall
Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting
http://www.pirateparenting.com/
Question:
Question:
My son's got his hook caught in me wooden leg. Any tips for getting it unstuck? It's in there real good.
signed,
Captain Peggy Leg
Answer:
Ahoy Captain Leg!
This happens all the time at sea. In fact, the mast of me ship, The Frightened Flounder, has a dozen hooks stuck in it. Two of the hooks still have members of me crew attached.
There's a quick way and a slow way to remove the hook. The quick way is to use black power and blow it out. Since you's already lost your leg and your son his hand, there may not be any further injury. The slow way is to find a lot of termites and set them to eating around the hook. It will take a few days which will be a good chance for you to talk to your son about hook safety.
Happy sailing and keep those hooks away from yer eyes,
Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall
Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting
http://www.pirateparenting.com/
Ahoy, Matey!
Triad Stage in Greensboro, NC, announced casting and production details for the world premiere of its homegrown musical, Bloody Blackbeard, about the legendary 18th-century pirate Edward Teach — one of North Carolina's infamous adopted sons.
What has Blackbeard got that I haven't got?! Why not a movie about Cap'n Billy the Butcher and his pet bilge rat Bongo? We can sing. We can dance. We can plunder.
Happy sailing and don't let the bilge rats bite (especially Bongo),
Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall
Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting
www.pirateparenting.com
Question:
Question:
Dear Cap'n Billy,
Question:
Dear Cap'n Billy,
Are you a democrat or a republican? Also, are you a super-delegate? I'm looking for votes.
Question:
Question:
Question
Dear Cap'n Billy,
What is your favorite sport? Also, what's your parrot's name?
Patrick
Answer
Ahoy Patrick!
Me favorite sport is basketball because you get fowl shots. I loathe parrots and shoot them every chance I get. It's kind of like the way Indiana Jones is afraid of snakes. I hate parrots. They make me skin crawl. Plus, if yer not careful, they'll tell others where you've buried yer treasure.
Instead of a pet parrot, I have a pet bilge rat named Bongo. He's very faithful and even fetches me a mug of grog when I ask. And I've never heard of a bilge rat telling where yer treasure is hidden.
I hate hockey, too, because you get penalized for hooking. You see, I have a hook at the end of me left arm, so I get penalized every other minute.
Happy sailing, and don't let the bilge rats bite,
Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall
Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting
http://www.pirateparenting.com/
Question
Dear Cap'n Billy,
How did you get your peg leg and eye patch? How long have you been a pirate? How can I become a pirate? But it has to be a secret pirate, and a pirate that has amazing piratey skills!
Yer #1 fan
Caitlyn
Answer
Ahoy Caitlyn!
Ye ask a lot of questions! Have ye ever talked anyone to death? I could use ye to interogate some prisoners.
1) I got me peg leg at L.L. Bean and me eye patch at Walmart.
2) I've been a pirate since I was a baby. I was weaned on hardtack and me mother wrapped me in a sail to keep me warm.
3) You can become a pirate by asking your parents to buy me book and raise ye as one. (You might want to buy them each their own copy, and a few for yer grandparents.) But ye can start becoming a pirate today! First, turn off that insipid Hanna Montana and start listening to more sea shanties. Ask yer mom to serve more shark for dinner, and ask yer dad to convert yer minivan into a pirate schooner.
4) By "secret pirate," ye must mean one that attacks under the dark of night, as opposed to the dark of sunglasses. The key to attacking at night is to wait until after the sun goes down but before sunrise the next morning. And don't get confused by daylight savings time.
5) All pirates have amazing piratey skills! For example, I can eat an entire squid and burp six verses of "Blow the Man Down." Try it at home!
Happy sailing, and don't let the bilge rats bite,
Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall
Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting
http://www.pirateparenting.com/
Question
Help my daughter is dating a pirate!
Sincerely,
A confused parent
Ahoy, matey!
The Dreadnoughts have been called “Canada’s first and finest pirate-punk band.” But for my money, the Dropkick Murphys are the best pirate band. Open yer ears and listen to "I'm Shipping Up to Boston."
Happy sailing and don't let the bilge rats bite,
Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall
Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting
http://www.pirateparenting.com/
Ahoy, matey!
Just read a story about a pirate ship that be needing a name. The Maine Maritime Museum is building a play pirate ship for kids. But they're seeking input from some powder monkeys when they should have used me Automatic Pirate Ship Namer. With it you can name a ship or a pirate minivan.
Question:
Question:
How large of a weekly allowance should I give to my pirate?
Signed,
Soccer Mom from Scranton
Answer:
Dear Ms. Scranton,
What would be the purpose of giving your pirate a weekly allowance?! It would only decrease your pirate's motivation to plunder and pillage the neighborhood kids who have money and valuables, such as bubble gum and rare baseball cards.
Instead of a weekly allowance, give your pirate a new sword (and possibly a small cannon) and send him out into the world to plunder the allowances of others. There's no limit to the amount of booty he can make. (You might also want to take a 20 percent cut of everything he brings home.)
Happy sailing and don't let the bilge rats bite,
Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall
Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting
http://www.pirateparenting.com/
Question:
Now here's an office I think I could work in!
Happy sailing and don't let the bilge rats bite,
Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall
Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting
www.PirateParenting.com
Question: How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?
Answer: Me good friend, the Scourge of the Sea, at AxaPirate.com, has already covered this question:
Happy sailing and don't let the bilge rats bite,
Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall
Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting
www.PirateParenting.com
Question: Can you recommend any good books for my young pirate to read?
Answer: How 'bout Pirates of the Retail Wasteland, me hearty? I can't claim to have read the book but it has the skull & crossbones on its cover. Plus the cover says it's about "Leon and his miscreant buddies" who hang out in a coffeeshop that "smells funky." I can relate to having miscreant buddies who smell funky. But if you were at sea for three months without a shower, you'd smell funky, too.
Happy sailing and don't let the bilge rats bite,
Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall
Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting
www.PirateParenting.com
Question: My three-year-old pirate insists on calling me "Mommy" instead of "Captain." What can I do to gain my pirate's respect?
Answer: Assuming you've threatened your pirate with marooning, perhaps you could compromise by creating a threatening pirate nickname that incorporates a motherly tone. A few that come to mind include:
Big news about me book, Guide to Pirate Parenting. A publisher saw the great literary quality in me book and it will soon go from being a self-published title to a traditionally-published one! What does that mean to me? More booty, me hearty. And more booty means more rum. And more rum means you'd best hide yer booty.
Happy sailing and don't let the bilge rats bite,
Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall
Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting
http://www.pirateparenting.com/
