Where did you get your eye patch and other questions

Question
Dear Cap'n Billy,

How did you get your peg leg and eye patch? How long have you been a pirate? How can I become a pirate? But it has to be a secret pirate, and a pirate that has amazing piratey skills!

Yer #1 fan

Caitlyn

Answer
Ahoy Caitlyn!

Ye ask a lot of questions! Have ye ever talked anyone to death? I could use ye to interogate some prisoners.

1) I got me peg leg at L.L. Bean and me eye patch at Walmart.

2) I've been a pirate since I was a baby. I was weaned on hardtack and me mother wrapped me in a sail to keep me warm.

3) You can become a pirate by asking your parents to buy me book and raise ye as one. (You might want to buy them each their own copy, and a few for yer grandparents.) But ye can start becoming a pirate today! First, turn off that insipid Hanna Montana and start listening to more sea shanties. Ask yer mom to serve more shark for dinner, and ask yer dad to convert yer minivan into a pirate schooner.

4) By "secret pirate," ye must mean one that attacks under the dark of night, as opposed to the dark of sunglasses. The key to attacking at night is to wait until after the sun goes down but before sunrise the next morning. And don't get confused by daylight savings time.

5) All pirates have amazing piratey skills! For example, I can eat an entire squid and burp six verses of "Blow the Man Down." Try it at home!

Happy sailing, and don't let the bilge rats bite,

Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall
Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting
http://www.pirateparenting.com/