Eulogy for a pirate pet
Question:
Dear Cap'n Billy,
My favorite Guinea pig recently died, and the other Guinea pig, the ugly but snuggly one, doesn't have a whole lot of life in him. He is losing weight and has lost his zest for life. The only thing lacking in my favorite Guinea pig's funeral service was a proper pirate eulogy. Can you write me one for the ugly but snuggly Guinea pig?
Yer #1 fan,
Anna
Answer:
Ahoy there, Anna! There's a reason pirates only have parrots and monkeys fer pets. And that reason be that they can fly or climb away before we can catch 'em. You see, when you've been at sea for six weeks with nothing to eat but salt cod and a little hardtack, ye be wishing to sink yer teeth into some real meat. If I had a Guinea pig on me ship, the crew would eat it within an hour or two. So, here's what a pirate eulogy would be for yer ugly -- yet snuggly -- Guinea pig:
While ye lived, ye brought joy to those around you, despite yer ugliness. Now that yer on a platter with potatoes and carrots, ye look beautiful...good enough to eat. May ye enjoy snuggling in me belly. As thanks, I'll send some rum down fer ye.
Now you've made me hungry. Maybe I can catch me pet parrot after all.
Happy sailing and don't let the bilge rats bite,
Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall
Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting
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