Talk Like a Landlubber Day

Ahoy matey!

On Sept. 19, I like to Talk Like a Landlubber while everyone else is Talking Like a Pirate.

Here's are some of me favorite landlubber lines:

* Honey, would you stop by the store and get some bread before you pick up junior at his soccer practice?

* Yes, sir, I'll have the financial statements ready by the end of the day.

* I prefer the mountains to the ocean.

God must love those dumb landlubbers. He made so many of 'em!

Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall
www.PirateParenting.com

Getting the little powder monkey out of yer bed

Question: Me little spawn be still sleeping in me cot and he be six years young and I need some space from me little matey. Any answers?

Answer: I have lots of answers but first ye be needing to actually ASK a question. Have you tried pushing yer little powder monkey out of the cot? That's what I'd do. Either that or set him afloat in a dinghy while he's asleep. Parenting is easy when ye be a pirate.

Don't let the bilge rats bite,

Cap'n Billy

Walk Like a Pirate Day is Sept. 20

Me good friends Mark "Cap'n Slappy" Summers and John "Ol' Chumbucket" Baur were geniuses for creating Talk Like A Pirate Day, which is celebrated on September 19 each year. (Personally, being a pirate and all, I celebrate Talk Like a Landlubber Day and say things like, "Let's drive to the mall and catch a movie" and "I'd prefer an expensive bottle of water to a ration of rum." Me crew thinks talking like a landlubber is hilarious!)

While Talk Like a Pirate Day is as much fun as firing at a merchant vessel, at some point you have to stop talking the talk, and walk the walk. No, not off the plank, me hearty. I mean it's more fun to ACT like a pirate than just TALK like one. That's why I wrote me book, Cap'n Billy "The Butcher MacDougall's Guide to Pirate Parenting: Why you should raise your kids as pirates and 101 tips on how to do it. It's also why I be declaring Sept. 20, 2007 the first-annual Walk Like a Pirate Day. (Since you'll perfect your pirate voice on Sept. 19, you're already one step ahead of the game.)

Ye can start Sept. 20 pretending you have a peg leg or that yer toe was bitten by a bilge rat. You could even put a live codfish down your pants, if ye want to walk like "Crazy Legs" Johnny Jibson, the first mate on me first ship. But "walking the pirate walk" means acting like a pirate in every way.

Read more!

A praying pirate!

Listen to this, ye scurvy dogs!

Sam Brobst took a 'Learning Your Spiritual Gift' course at Full Life Center, a charismatic church, and felt the Lord leading him to prophesy during meetings. But when Brobst opened his mouth the first time, he and others were surprised by what came out: pirate speak!

"We were in the middle of worship, when this voice rings out, 'Yar! Hear the word of the Lord — the Lord of the mighty seas!'" says one witness. "It was straight out of a Disneyland ride."

You can read the whole story here.

Now that's the pirate church for me!

Cap'n Billy the Butcher

What does it take to raze a village?

Question
Hillary Clinton wrote a book some years back called "It Takes a Village" or some such nonsense. The premise was that it takes a village to raise a child. By the Pirate Parenting code, would it be "It takes a child to raze a village"?

Jib Master J.T.

Answer
Ahoy, Jib Master!

Excellent question! To raze a village, it takes one of the following:

* 100 pirate children with daggers
* 50 pirate children with daggers and pistols
* 1 pirate child with a REALLY, REALLY big cannon.

The important thing isn't the number of kids but rather the value of the village's plunder.

Cap'n Billy the Butcher
(who doesn't belong to any political party but votes often)

P.S. It takes only five pirate children asking "Are we there yet?" to "Craze a village."

P.P.S. If you fill your cannons with corn, you can "maize a village."

What should you do with a drunken teacher?

Just read this in the latest issue of the Chronicle of Higher Education (I was using it to clean the inside of me cannon) and came across this:

"Stacy Snyder, an aspiring teacher who is now 27 years old, was set to graduate last year from Millersville's School of Education. But just days before commencement, campus officials discovered Ms. Snyder's MySpace page -- which featured a photograph of the student wearing a pirate hat and sipping from a plastic cup. The picture's caption read 'Drunken Pirate.'"

"Administrators deemed the image 'unprofessional,' and they refused to award her an education degree and the teaching certificate that came along with it."

I admit, the Mr. Goodbar cup doesn't portrait the rough-and-tumble pirate image, and her hat is a little small, but she can drink like a pirate. So, since her school won't give her an education degree, it's up to me to do so.

I hereby confer on Stacy Snyder, the degree of Doctor of Skullduggery, with a minor in Pillaging. This degree allows her to teach on any accrediated pirate ship in the seven seas. I also give her the pirate name, Stacy "Professor of Pain" Snyder. Congratulations Dr. Snyder! Now go teach some kids how to hornswaggle.

As the co-author of Guide to Pirate Parenting, Dr. Snyder is just the kind of teacher I think parents should look for. She's the perfect addition to the PTA -- Pirate-Teacher Association.

Happy sailing, and don;t let the bilge rats bite,

Cap'n Billy the Butcher
www.PirateParenting.com

What should I name my new pet chicken?

Question
What should I name my new pet chicken I got for my birthday?

A gaggle of giggling girls

Answer
Ahoy gaggle of girls!

This question is similar to the Guinea pig eulogy question below. I'd name your new chicken "Deep Fryer," because I'll eat it if I can get me hands on him. Or my hook. Or hit him with an oar.

Happy eating, and don't let the bilge rats bite,

Cap'n Billy the Butcher

Pirate pet eulogy

Question

Dear Cap'n Billy,

My favorite Guinea pig recently died, and the other Guinea pig, the ugly but snuggly one, doesn't have a whole lot of life in him. He is losing weight and has lost his zest for life. The only thing lacking in my favorite Guinea pig's funeral service was a proper pirate eulogy. Can you write me one for the ugly but snuggly Guinea pig?

Yer #1 fan,

Anna

Answer
Ahoy there, Anna!

There's a reason pirates only have parrots and monkeys fer pets. And that reason be that they can fly or climb away before we can catch 'em. You see, when you've been at sea for six weeks with nothing to eat but salt cod and a little hardtack, ye be wishing to sink yer teeth into some real meat. If I had a Guinea pig on me ship, the crew would eat it within an hour or two.

So, here's what a pirate eulogy would be for yer ugly -- yet snuggly -- Guinea pig:

While ye lived, ye brought joy to those around you, despite yer ugliness.
Now that yer on a platter with potatoes and carrots, ye look beautiful...good enough to eat.
May ye enjoy snuggling in me belly. As thanks, I'll send some rum down fer ye.

Now you've made me hungry. Maybe I can catch me pet parrot after all.

Cap'n Billy

P.S. Since ye don't have a pirate name, I hereby dub ye "Anna the Rodent Killer." It's not as tough a name as "Anna the Great White Shark Killer," but it will have to do until you get a great white shark for a pet and it dies from neglect, or is killed by yer ugly Guinea pig.

Learn more about the book, Guide to Pirate Parenting