Pirate wine

Question:
Dear Captain,

I usually drink rum but would like to start drinking wine with meals. What wine goes best with salt cod and hardtack? And no jokes about a pirate's favorite wine being, "Me gun powder's wet and I can't fire me cannons!"

Hugs,

Mrs. Jane Smith

Answer:
Ahoy Mrs. Smith!

I don't know much about wine, so I contacted me good friend Gary Vaynerchuk, host of Wine Library TV. Gary suggests the Denner Theresa 2006 or the Magellan Grenache Roussanne Vieilles Vignes 2006.

The description of the Magellan (which be a fine name for a ship, too) also describes me: Rich, decadent and distinctive, with a finish of smoke, usually from me cannons.

Happy sailing and don't let the bilge rats bite,

Cap'n Billy the Butcher

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Question:
How much wood could a woodchuck chuck, if a woodchuck could chuck wood?

Robert, who has a woodchuck in his yard

Answer:
Ahoy Robert!

Pirates hate woodchucks -- at least pirates with wooden legs, like me, hate woodchucks. They always be sniffing around our legs with a hungry gleam in thar eyes.

To answer yer question, the last woodchuck that came near me wooden leg didn't chuck any wood because I stabbed 'em with me dagger. Then I served 'em to the crew. Yum.

Happy sailing and don't let the bilge rate (or woodchucks) bite,

Cap'n Billy the Butcher