My pirate sleeps too much

Question:
My daughter won't get up in the morning. No matter how I try to wake her, she always falls back alseep and is late for school. What can I do?

Signed,

Fuming in Florida

Answer:
Dear Mr. Fuming,

I used to have the same problem with a crewmate of mine. He was always late for his watch. So we made him sleep in one of the cannons. If he didn't get up on time, we'd just "fire him up," so to speak. The unfortunate part was that we used too much gun powder one day and shot him clear across the horizon, never to be seen again. So use a cannon but keep an eye on the amount of powder you use.

Happy sailing and don't let the bilge rats bite,

Cap'n Billy the Butcher

Sucking on a pirate hook

Question:
Dear Cap'n Billy,

My child recently got her first pirate hook. She still sucks her thumb, so she now sucks her hook. Should I be concerned?

Signed,

Worried in Wisconsin

Answer:
Dear Mrs. Wisconsin,

While sucking on one's hook may seem fine, your child may wake up one morning and find that she's pierced her tongue during the night. She would have got her tongue pierced when she was older anyway, so it will save you $30 bucks! So you're not only a good pirate parent, you're also frugal. Just don't let your cat or dog sleep with your child. Pets are awfully difficult to remove from hooks.

Happy sailing and don't let the bilge rats bite,

Cap'n Billy the Butcher

How much gun powder?

Question:
Dear Cap'n Billy,

How much gun powder should I put in my cannon? Also, what should I aim at?

Signed,

A confused parent

Answer:
Dear Ms. Confused,

Your two questions are related. If you're shooting at something big, say a dinosaur, use more gun powder. If you're trying to keep a squirrel off your bird feeder, you should tone down the amount of powder a bit.

I can't tell you what to aim at. Just be careful about shooting at things that can shoot back, like bigger ships or a royal navy fleet.

Happy sailing and don't let the bilge rats bite,

Cap'n Billy

Selling pirate treasure on e-Bay

Question:
Dear Captain,

Me little powder monkeys keep selling me booty on e-Bay. How can I prevent them from hawking me treasure?

Signed,

Losing my dough in Scranton

Answer:
Dear Mr. Dough,

You could try taking away your kids' computer privlidges. Or you could bury yer treasure, so they can't find it. Or you could threaten to put the home video of them picking their noses on YouTube. Personally, I'd do all three.

Happy sailing and don't let the bilge rats bite,

Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall
Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting
www.pirateparenting.com

Gold or a role in a pirate movie?

Question:
Dear Mr. Pirate,

Which would you rather have: a merchant vessel full of gold or a starring role in your own pirate movie?

Signed,

The Captain of a merchant vessel full of gold

Answer:
Ahoy, Captain!

I'd rather star in me own pirate movie. I don't care much for merchant vessels full of gold, like some pirates do. Some pirates might try to steal yer booty, but not me. But just to be on the safe side, you should tell me where yer located, so I can protect yer ship from those pirates who aren't as nice as me. I could even help you bring yer ship to a secluded cove where no other pirates can find you. Then you can have a long, well-deserved rest on the island while I sail away with yer ship...I mean keep yer gold safe.

Yer pirate pal who doesn't care about yer gold...honest and for true,

Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall
Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting
http://www.pirateparenting.com/

A pirate's hook shot

Question:
Dear Cap'n Billy,

Do you play basketball? I bet you have a mean HOOK shot. Get it, HOOK shot?! See you have a HOOK on your hand, so EVERY shot you take is a HOOK shot. Get it?! I'm cracking myself up.

Signed,

A REALLY funny guy

Answer:
Dear Mr. Guy,

You are soooooo funny. I'd like to show you my hook shot. Please meet me behind the Crow's Nest Tavern tonight at 3 a.m., after the bar closes when it's dark and there's nobody around. That's when my hook shot is at its best.

Happy sailing and don't let the bilge rats bite,

Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall
Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting
http://www.pirateparetning.com/

Noises in me ship's bilge

Question:
There's something in me bilge that's making a lot of noise and is growling. What is it?

Signed,

Scared to go below deck

Answer:
Dear Mr. Deck,

Sounds like a 200 pound bilge rat. Since ye have water in yer bilge, you should call Roto-Rooter...or a pest exterminator...or just make a grenade with some gun powder, light it and toss it below. That's how me mentor, Captain Rackham, got rid of his bilge rats. He also blew up his boat and his self in the process, so be careful.

Happy sailing and don't let the bilge blow up,

Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall
Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting
www.pirateparetning.com

Where do pirates get their mail?

Question:
How does a pirate get his mail?

Signed,

The USPS

Answer:
Dear USPS,

I get me mail in bottles stuffed with notes and treasure maps. But if I were to use the services of the U.S. Postal Service, I'd get me a mailbox like the one pictured. Arrrr, it's a mighty fine piece of art as well as a useful place to get yer copy of Pirate Magazine.

Happy sailing and don't let the bilge rates, bite,

Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall
Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting
http://www.pirateparenting.com/

Pirate taxis?

Ahoy matey!

Listen to this, me hearty:

"There are at least 20000 illegal taxis operating without licences in the Eastern Cape, something the government‘s ambitious Taxi Recapitalisation Programme has failed to address. In Nelson Mandela Bay alone, about 4000 'pirates' are thought to be in operation. (read story)

What a great idea! Pick up passengers and don't let 'em out until they give you all their treasure! I wonder if the pirate taxis are black with a white skill & cross bones painted on their hood. Or, better yet, a mast with the Jolly Roger flying, just like me pirate mini-van. If I ever stop being a pirate captain, maybe I'll become a pirate taxi driver.

Happy sailing and don't let the bilge rats bite,

Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall

Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting

http://www.pirateparenting.com/

Pirating IS a business

Ahoy matey!

Just read this:
"A suburban London man said he will not take down a pirate flag he erected for his daughter's birthday party, despite threats of legal action." (read story) The story says that, "Local laws only give homeowners the right to fly the country's flag or a flag advertising a business."

Since when ISN'T pirating a business, me hearty?! We're in it for the money. We try to keep overhead low and revenue high. We invest in capital improvements such as new ships. We eliminate the competition, usually using force. I think the flag owner needs to add a cannon or two to his business. That will keep the town council at bay.

Happy sailing and don't let the bilge rats bite,

Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall
Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting
www.pirateparenting.com

Hush, Little Pirate

Ahoy, matey!

Here's a little ditti to sing to yer little power monkeys as they drift off to sleep.

Hush, Little Pirate (Hush, Little Baby)
Hush, little pirate, don’t say a word.
Captain’s gonna buy you a cutlass sword.
And if that cutlass sword won’t slice,
Captain’s gonna give you a rope to splice.
And if that hemp rope gets all frayed,
Captain’ll take you on a pirate raid.
And if that pirate raid is foiled,
Captain’s gonna give you cod-liver oil.
And if that oil makes you upchuck,
Captain’s gonna let the crew run amok.
And when you run, if you fall down,
Don’t go overboard or you’ll drown.

Happy sailing and don't let the bilge rats bite,

Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall
Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting
http://www.pirateparenting.com/

Pirate finger puppets?

Ahoy matey!

These pirate finger puppets are cute as a baby bilge rat -- but I can only put one on the end of me hook, so what am I suppose to do with the other two? I can't use me other hand because if I put me sword down someone will steal me treasure.

Happy sailing and keep yer booty buried,

Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall
Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting
http://www.pirateparenting.com/

Why should I raise my children as pirates?

Question:

Why should I raise my children as pirates?

signed,

Curious in Chicago

Answer:

Ahoy Curious!

Let me give ye 10 reasons to raise your children as pirates...

(10) Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach him to be a pirate, and he’ll steal other people’s fish for a lifetime.

(9) Divvying up booty is good quality time with the kids.

(8) When other parents hear you’re raising your children as pirates,
they’ll stop asking you to volunteer at school.

(7) It’s fun to watch the emergency room doctor’s reaction when
you say your son was injured during “a little mishap boarding a merchant vessel that refused to surrender.”

(6) You’ve always preferred the title “Captain” to “Mommy”
or “Daddy.”

(5) You can spend your kids’ college savings on more important
things, like a trip to Las Vegas.

(4) Your children already smell like pirates, so the transition will
be easy.

(3) The family that plunders together, stays together!

(2) Replacing “family movie night” with “family terrorizing the
neighbors with cannons night” is a wonderful change of pace.

(1) I want you to do it—and the last person who didn’t do what I asked was set adrift in a rowboat with only a day’s supply of water.

After yer kids are pirates, send 'em my way. I could use some new crew members.

Happy sailing and don't let the bilge rats bite,

Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall

Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting

http://www.pirateparenting.com/

Pirate hook trouble

Question:
My son's got his hook caught in me wooden leg. Any tips for getting it unstuck? It's in there real good.

signed,

Captain Peggy Leg

Answer:
Ahoy Captain Leg!

This happens all the time at sea. In fact, the mast of me ship, The Frightened Flounder, has a dozen hooks stuck in it. Two of the hooks still have members of me crew attached.

There's a quick way and a slow way to remove the hook. The quick way is to use black power and blow it out. Since you's already lost your leg and your son his hand, there may not be any further injury. The slow way is to find a lot of termites and set them to eating around the hook. It will take a few days which will be a good chance for you to talk to your son about hook safety.

Happy sailing and keep those hooks away from yer eyes,

Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall
Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting
http://www.pirateparenting.com/

A pirate musical

Ahoy, Matey!

Triad Stage in Greensboro, NC, announced casting and production details for the world premiere of its homegrown musical, Bloody Blackbeard, about the legendary 18th-century pirate Edward Teach — one of North Carolina's infamous adopted sons.

What has Blackbeard got that I haven't got?! Why not a movie about Cap'n Billy the Butcher and his pet bilge rat Bongo? We can sing. We can dance. We can plunder.

Happy sailing and don't let the bilge rats bite (especially Bongo),

Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall
Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting
www.pirateparenting.com

Pirate pet chickens

Question:

What should I name my new pet chicken I got for my birthday?

Signed,

A gaggle of giggling girls

Answer:

Ahoy gaggle of girls!

This question is similar to the Guinea pig eulogy question below. I'd name your new chicken "Deep Fryer," because I'll eat it if I can get me hands on him. Or my hook. Or hit him with an oar.

Happy eating and don't let the bilge rats bite,

Cap'n Billy "The Butcher" MacDougall

Author, Guide to Pirate Parenting

http://www.pirateparenting.com/